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- - I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. (http://goldismoney.info/forums/showthread.php?t=284217)

Sclorch | 07-19-2008 12:21 PM
I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. I was sitting in the waiting room, reading an issue of Hunting and Fishing with James Capen Adams on the front when the doctor calls me in. He's got a grim look on his face as we walk down the hallway to the test results room. We go in and it's dark - just a fluorescent light on the wall with my x-rays propped up in front of them. "Your test results didn't come out good," my doctor says. He points at the first x-ray. "This large dark mass in your lower abdomen - that's hardened fat in your liver. You're suffering from cirrhosis. You're a beer drinker, correct?" "Yes, that's right," I say. "I used to drink beer a lot too. I was a big mead fan - the stuff they used to drink back in the Middle Ages. They have a lot of that in Europe." He cleared his throat. "This next scan is your liver from a different angle. The hardened fat is wide but not too deep, as you can see here." He points. A bell goes off in the back of the room, like an alarm for some machine. He tenses up immediately and holds one hand to his ear as he rushes to turn the machine off. "Sorry about that," he says. "I thought I turned that thing off." He's clearly very irritated. "The only thing we can do now is to give you anti-cirrhotic medicines and keep you on a strict diet regimen," my doctor continues. "Lots of healthy whole foods - berries, fiber, salmon, things like that." "I see," I say. But the truth has dawned on me. Whole foods - berries, fiber, and salmon. My doctor liked mead a lot - a medieval drink made from fermented honey. The bell alarm that irritated him so much. As I continue to put 2 and 2 together in my mind, the final, horrible clue falls into place. The magazine I was reading in the waiting room had James Capen Adams on the front. Also known as Grizzly Adams. He can see it on my face as I realize this. With a roar, the bear lunges forward and swipes a claw at my head. I duck and run out the door, the bear smashing through the doorframe behind me and loping down the hallway on all fours. Nurses scream and run away from us, ducking into rooms as the bear smashes through walls and knocks over tables to get to me. Those unfortunate people who don't realize what is happening are devoured in the bear's massive, incredibly sharp jaws. He drags their mutilated bodies behind him as he pursues me. I run out through the lobby, the bear straight behind. He smashes through the glass of the front doors as I attempt to get into my car. I realize that a car will not be enough to get away from, or protect me against this monster. I run from my car just in time - the bear flips it over and jumps on top, crushing it beneath his massive weight. I run down Main Street. Innocent pedestrians who can't get away in time get dismembered and disemboweled by the grizzly bear. But they are momentary distractions - the bear is after me. A car swerves off the road and plows into the bear, driving him into a wall and crushing the brick. The bear roars and picks up the crushed car, then tosses it down the road. The car lands with a crunch, skids for several feet, and catches on fire. The bear has been distracted long enough for me to get into a gun shop. The owner looks helplessly as I grab several machine guns and pistols off the rack. As I stuff my pockets with ammunition, I hear the bear roar in the distance, but he is getting closer. I grab a shotgun and, strapping it to my back, walk out into the street. Outside everything is quiet. Almost all the stores have been demolished, with their windows broken and furniture, food, and office supplies scattered in the street. Everyone has run away, and by the flickering fire of the burning car I can see papers being spread by the soft breeze. I'm breathing heavily as I walk out into the middle of the road. I hear a scratching behind me and then a sound of rushing air, and I react instinctively as I leap to the side and roll. The bear lands with crushing force on the spot where I had been standing moments earlier. I quickly get up onto my feet. The bear growls lowly and glares at me. I grab my assault rifle and make sure it's loaded as the bear ever so slowly walks towards me. I turn the safety off and pull the trigger. The rifle fires a maelstrom of bullets, and a plume of flames shoots from the barrel as one bullet after another flies towards the bear. They plow into his flesh, but every one is repelled and bounces off of the bear's iron-thick coat. My rifle clicks, and I toss it to the ground. I've used up over a hundred bullets and the bear doesn't have so much as a scratch on him. The bear, with what looks eerily like a grin on his snout, stands up on his hind legs. He's well over ten feet tall. Blood from his victims runs down his front, matting down his fur. Bits of flesh are stuck in the hair on his head. With a slow, deliberate motion, he reaches behind and pulls out - a rocket launcher. How had I not seen it? He gives a deafening roar as he points the barrel straight at me. It's useless, I say to myself. I turn and run - run for all I'm worth. As my feet pound the pavement, I can hear the hissing and rushing air of the rocket as it rushes towards me. Suddenly my back feels searing heat, and I'm lifted off the ground and thrown through the air. Everything is silent, and I watch as the street below me grows smaller, then larger. I'm vaguely aware of the wind through my hair. Then I land face-first onto gravel. Sound rushes back to me, and I hear the crackling of a massive fire where the missile hit the ground behind me. Bits of fiery asphalt land around me, and I spit a bloody pebble out of my mouth. I've landed on a rooftop, and I can't see the bear from here. I pull myself off the ground and keep to my hands and knees, lest the bear see me. I look around - and hit paydirt. Behind the building I'm on is a helicopter landing pad - and on it is a brand-new AH-64 Apache attack helicopter. The noon sun reflects off of the helicopter's machine gun barrel, and I eye its armament - a row of AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, lined up on the bottom of the helicopter's side wings. I grin and feel my lip crack as I stand up. Time to give this mother****ing bear a lesson in Man vs. Wild. It could have never seen me coming. As the helicopter rises above the rooftops, I can see the bear staring at me, rocket launcher primed and ready. I swing the helicopter forward, and the bear aims for me. He shoots, and I steer the helicopter out of the missile's path easily. The bear runs for cover behind a large brick building. I arm a Hellfire missile and aim. With a fiery blaze it shoots from underneath me and plows into the front of the building. A massive fiery inferno engulfs my vision as bricks fly past my windshield. I can see the building engulfed in flames. Half of the bottom floor is gone, and the building is leaning precariously. Behind me I hear rushing air. Suddenly the helicopter jerks forward and loses control. The bear shot a rocket at my helicopter and hit me from behind this time. "You ****ing bear bastard," I said. I swing the helicopter around, my control panel beeping rapidly. I'm losing gas fast. The bear is reloading, and I can see it several blocks away. That thing can move fast. Without really thinking, I propel the helicopter forward. As the bear readies another missile, the distance between us closes. I can see the glint in his eye as he aims for me. I clench my teeth and plow ahead, faster. The engine of the helicopter creaks and groans. Fifty feet. The bear grins. Forty feet. I can feel a trickle of blood rushing from my temple. Thirty feet. He pulls the trigger. With a fiery blast, the missile shoots from his launcher, and I can briefly see it as it flies towards me. I have seconds to react. I set the helicopter on cruise control and slam on the "DISENGAGE ARMAMENT" and the "EMERGENCY EJECT" buttons at the same time and brace myself. The roof opens, and I feel my chair shooting up and out. My helicopter explodes just beneath me, and I feel flames licking my arms and legs as I flip through the air. An ungodly roar erupts from beneath me, and I turn in the air to see a massive fireball blooming from the street where the helicopter crashed into the bear. Shards of metal and fur shoot from the fire. The noise is indescribable - a massive rushing of flames and total destruction. I hang for several seconds in mid-air at the apex of my flight before the parachute deploys. I float gently down to the street. I hop off the ejection chair as it scrapes against the ground, looking behind me to examine my work. A massive, smoldering crater is left in the ground from the confrontation. With a smirk I slowly walk down the street, the sun shining in my eyes. My head is really killing me. I feel my forehead, right where it feels like someone is stabbing me, and my hand comes back blood-soaked. I should probably see a doctor about this. I grin. Or maybe not.

Flinch | 07-19-2008 12:25 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. And you think Flinch crazy...

<SLV> | 07-19-2008 12:35 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a padded room. I died there. They buried me with the worms. Worms make me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once...

Horn | 07-19-2008 12:56 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. Quote:
Originally Posted by <SLV> (Post 1200147) I was crazy once...
Me too, now I'm too old to waste the energy.

SLV>GLD | 07-19-2008 01:13 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. It's much more annoying to do that in a high pitched voice with way more verbosity. Crazy, i was crazy once; they locked me in a little padded room. I died in that little padded room. They buried me in the cold dark ground with rats (worms)!. Rats?! they make me crazy...

Unclad Lad | 07-19-2008 05:26 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. The doctor is right. Lay off the beer. :wink:

jamesfrancisco | 07-19-2008 05:29 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. YouTube - Monty Python - Four Yorkshiremen
YouTube - Monty Python - Four Yorkshiremen

momopanda | 07-19-2008 05:33 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. Bears. (market). Helicopters. (Bernanke) Guns.(guns) Beer(beer). All the makings of a fine story sclorch. GIMworthy!

buff01 | 07-19-2008 05:39 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. as a meadmaker, I find this to be totally awesome.

Zilver | 07-19-2008 08:47 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. How do you catch a polar bear? First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

Twisted Avatar | 07-19-2008 08:54 PM
Re: I went to the doctor yesterday and got some very bad news. ^^^HAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHH T

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